Reflections & Resolutions

To be honest, I have never been a fan of New Year’s Day. Sure, we all need to reflect and commit to change at times, but the resolutions made on this holiday never seem to last. Due to the “new year,” people feel the need to make resolutions and try to change the negative things in their lives, but most lack the conviction to follow through. Most individuals aren’t ready to change, but the mob mentality and group pressure associated with this holiday makes people feel the need to publicly profess a list of of resolutions.

Having said all of this, I’m going to succumb to the madness and talk about some areas that I need to address in my life. Hopefully, these reflections and resolutions won’t fall by the wayside. I tend to be a very determined person, so maybe this trait will help me to use this opportunity as a way to reset and re-establish my goals. Unfortunately, I have been horrible at finishing projects over the past six months, so there are many things that I need to fix and finish this next year.

First, I really need to get in shape. Yes, this is very cliche of me, but I feel that I have reached a breaking point. I have been overweight for the majority of my life, but when I turned 20, I got tired of being fat and lost over 100 pounds within a year. I went from 275 to 170, and I felt great. It took a lot of work and effort, but I accomplished my goal, because I was ready to change. I gained a little bit of weight when I got married, but I was able to keep my weight around 190 for seven years, until I started suffering from depression. Eating is one of my weaknesses and a coping mechanism, so when I became depressed, I ate my feelings. I also stopped exercising and maintaining my health, which culminated in me ballooning to 285 over the next four year period.

I have tried to exercise and lose some weight since gaining it all back, but I get discouraged very quickly if I don’t see immediate results. However, I hate feeling tired all of the time, and I really hate feeling winded after climbing a flight of stairs. Recently, I started taking a salad for lunch at work, and I hope to continue to make healthier eating choices now that the holidays are over. Still, I’m not young anymore, and I won’t be able to lose weight just by eating healthier. This is going to take a combination of smart eating and some sort of physical activity.

Most people will say, “Go join a gym and workout,” which is great advice; however, you forget that you’re speaking to someone with severe anxiety. I don’t like being around a lot of people in general. I also don’t really enjoy looking at myself in the mirror right now, so I definitely don’t want other people to see me while I’m working out. I know that it’s weird, but people with high anxiety are usually uncomfortable with their self-image, and it’s difficult to turn this part of my brain off, even with me being on medication.

I was able to lose weight without going to a gym last time, so I’m determined that I can do it once again. It may take a little bit longer this time, since I’m getting older, but I just really want to feel different. Not just for myself, but for my kids as well. I’m so tired when I get home that I don’t want to spend time with my kids. This has also kept me from being productive as a professional, which leads to my next resolution.

I need to set aside some time each week to work towards my professional goals. At the beginning of last summer, I was determined to write more blog posts and finally finish a couple of articles that I had started working on….this did not happen. I also wanted to write several new compositions. I had all of these wonderful ideas, and I just couldn’t wait to get it done….I finished one composition, but I have been unable to get motivated enough to finish a couple of pieces that I’ve been working on for the past several months. There have been a number of college jobs that I should have been excited about, but I just haven’t felt motivated enough to sit down and apply for them. I even need to practice more. I’ve just been so mentally and physically exhausted lately that on many occasions, I have selfishly chosen to skip anything related to music, whether it be practicing, composing, or writing a blog post. I’m working a full-time job, teaching private lessons, playing professional gigs, and trying to do all of these extra things to advance my professional goals. It’s a struggle, and I really need to be better at managing my time. Even if I need to map out a daily schedule for myself, I need to do something, because my current path isn’t working.

Aside from managing my time better, I also need to be more present as a teacher. When I say this, I’m thinking primarily about my private students, because I know that I have been very complacent over the past few months. When I started building my studio a few years ago, I was better about being innovative and pushing my students. I would always have different exercises for them to practice, and all of my students were working out of at least two different etude books, possibly more. Now, I’m not pushing them to do as many exercises and studies, and I don’t preach the importance of practice and time management as much as I once did, especially since this has become such a huge issue in my own life. They deserve better from me, and I am going to do my best to improve. Maybe I’ll try to act like I actually want to teach….it’s been so bad lately that I dread teaching at times. I hate that I feel this way, because I really do enjoy my private students, and I really get the most enjoyment and fulfillment out of teaching them. It’s nice to actually use the knowledge and skills that I went to school to develop, and I guess I need to be a little more appreciative of the fact that I have some wonderful students that I have the privilege to teach.

Lastly, but most importantly, I am determined to read more this year. I was once an avid reader, breezing through series of sci-fi and fantasy-adventure books as if they were nothing. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have read more than a handful of books to completion since graduating from WVU back in 2012. It’s sad, because this used to be such a huge part of my life. Now, I spend more time on my phone playing mindless games instead of trying to sharpen my mind and improve myself. This year, I vow to actually read a book….hopefully, more than one. I tried downloading the Kindle app and reading some books on my iPad and phone, but it just doesn’t feel the same. I need to physically hold the book to be engaged. With this goal in mind, I picked out a book last night, and I started reading it. I have so many music books to read, but in order to keep from burning out, I’m going to alternate between work and pleasure. I’m starting out with a book related to the history of the horn, and then I’ll pick out a fiction book to read once I’m done. My kids are getting to the age where they will be able to read books on their own soon, so I need to show them (and also remind myself) how much their Dad loves to read.

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