I haven’t been writing a lot lately, and recent circumstances have shown that I need to start writing again. Life has been busy, but I’ve also been lazy. I’ve started several posts over the past couple of years, and I just haven’t been able to finish anything. One of the main reasons is the fact that I’ve been suffering from chronic depression for the past 7-8 years. I’ll have a great idea, run with it for a little while, and then I’ll typically hit some sort of road block, and all of my momentum will just completely fade away. Most of the blame is on me, because I’m letting my depression dictate me and my life, and this is something that has been happening for a while now. I had a couple of good years, where I was making some progress, which just so happened to coincide with my most active blogging periods. I was also pushing myself during those years, and like I mentioned previously, I just haven’t been pulling my weight lately.
So, what do I need to do? First, I need to write and be more open about my struggles with depression. I’ve been using it as an excuse lately, and this behavior needs to stop. I’m never going to find and/or create a better situation for myself if I continue to let my depression run my life. Also, I need to make a list of things that I want to accomplish or that need to happen, and then use my blog to chronicle my progress and hopefully keep myself from quitting and giving up yet again. I need to keep myself accountable, and this is the perfect tool for that purpose.
For the past couple of years, I have been dabbling as a composer. I have enjoyed some limited success, but I really want to push myself to see if I can do more. I may not be a great composer, and it takes me a little more time to complete things, but this is something that I’m really passionate about. Plus, it makes me happy, and I have always had random melodies and compositional ideas floating around in my head, so why not put it all to good use. I have a couple of pieces that are going to be published, which I will write about later, but there are also a number of projects that I have started and just can’t seem to finish. The goal will be to pick one project at a time, chronicle the progress and/or struggles that I’m experiencing, and then maybe I can hold myself accountable and finish some compositions.
I also want to perform more often on horn. In September, I performed a Mozart Concerto with a local orchestra, which was nice, but I’m still struggling with anxiety and lingering doubts concerning my abilities as a performer. The only way to confront these issues is to meet them head on, so I definitely need to push myself to perform more as a soloist. I’m going to work towards performing one of my original compositions at the upcoming Southeast Horn Workshop, and I also need to put together another recital. I did one a couple of years ago, and I definitely programmed pieces that were not very difficult. The goal will be to schedule a recital for the Spring semester (I already have most of the music picked out), and I will chronicle my progress towards this goal. I’ll also try to include some videos or at least audio.
Lastly, but certainly not least, is a project that I have been mulling over for quite a while. I have always enjoyed playing chamber music, and I was fortunate to perform a lot of great repertoire at West Virginia University in both a wind quintet and chamber winds group. I really want to start a chamber winds group, because there is a lot of great rep out there, and the city of Augusta, GA doesn’t have a group that currently meets this need. I also want to obtain more experience as a conductor, and this just seems like the logical choice right now. Previously, I’ve been worried about people not being interested, in terms of audience and high-quality musicians, but I’m done with excuses. I’m going to use my blog to flesh out my ideas and share the group’s progress. First up, is finding musicians…
I hope that this isn’t just another singular post with a bunch of great ideas and no follow through. I really want to do something with my life, and I know that sitting around feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help, so here’s to making stuff happen!